What is self-esteem and why does it matter?
Self-esteem is a child’s sense of their own worth — the belief that they matter, that they are capable, and that they deserve to be loved and respected. It is not the same as confidence (which is task-specific) or happiness (which fluctuates). Self-esteem is a deeper, more stable sense of “I am okay.”
Healthy self-esteem is one of the strongest protective factors against mental health difficulties. Children with positive self-esteem cope better with setbacks, form healthier relationships, and are less susceptible to peer pressure and depression.
Signs of low self-esteem in children
Giving up quickly when things are hard
Saying things like "I'm stupid", "I can't do anything right", "nobody likes me"
Avoiding new situations or challenges
Being highly self-critical after making a mistake
Seeking constant reassurance
Being easily led by peers — difficulty saying no
Social withdrawal
Difficulty accepting compliments
Boasting or showing off
What causes low self-esteem?
Low self-esteem in children can develop through:
Critical or dismissive parenting
not through intentional unkindness, but through patterns of interaction that communicate the child is not good enough
Bullying
particularly prolonged or social bullying
Trauma or abuse
which creates deep shame
Learning difficulties
children who struggle academically often internalise a sense of failure
Neurodevelopmental differences
ADHD and autism can make social comparison painful and confusing
Significant loss or change
bereavement, family breakdown, multiple school moves
Comparisons
with siblings, cousins, or idealised social media peers
What parents can do: daily habits that build confidence
Catch them being good
Specific, immediate, genuine praise for effort and kindness builds a different self-narrative. "I noticed how patient you were with your sister then" is more powerful than "good boy."
Let them struggle productively
Rushing to rescue children from difficulty denies them the experience of mastery. Stay nearby, offer support, but let them work through things. "I think you can figure this out. I'm here if you need me."
Give real responsibility
Tasks that genuinely matter to the household — feeding the pet, helping cook dinner — build competence and a sense of contribution.
Notice and name strengths
Explicitly point out what your child is good at, particularly non-academic strengths: kindness, creativity, persistence, humour.
Model self-compassion
When you make a mistake, say: "I got that wrong — that's okay, I'll try again." Children internalise the voice they hear adults use about themselves.
Spend one-to-one time
Dedicated, undistracted time with a parent communicates "you matter to me" more powerfully than any words.
How to praise in ways that actually help
Carol Dweck’s decades of research on mindset show that how you praise children matters enormously.
Praising ability
("you're so clever") can backfire — children avoid challenges in case they fail and lose the label
Praising effort and process
("you really stuck at that", "I saw how hard you worked") builds resilience and a belief that ability can grow
Be specific, be genuine, and focus on what they did rather than who they are.
Helping children develop a growth mindset
A growth mindset is the belief that abilities can be developed through effort and learning. It is one of the most robust buffers against low self-esteem.
Help your child develop it by:
- Normalising mistakes: “mistakes are how we learn”
- Using the word “yet”: “You can’t do it yet”
- Sharing stories of your own struggles and how you got through them
- Celebrating progress, not just outcomes
When low self-esteem needs professional support
Seek help if your child:
Is expressing persistent thoughts of worthlessness or hopelessness
Has stopped engaging with activities, friends, or school
Shows signs of depression or self-harm alongside low self-esteem
Has been through significant trauma that is unaddressed
Speak to your GP, who can refer to CAMHS. CBT and other therapies are effective for children with significantly low self-esteem alongside mood difficulties.
FAQs: building self-esteem in children
Yes — empty, excessive praise ("you're amazing at everything") can feel hollow and creates fragility. Children know when praise isn't earned. Specific, honest praise for genuine effort is far more effective.
Very seriously. Persistent self-hatred is a risk factor for depression and self-harm. Start by creating space for them to talk, and seek professional support if it is frequent or intense.
Some children do — particularly if their circumstances change. But for children who have experienced trauma or significant adversity, targeted support is usually needed rather than waiting.